What Is Kinky, Anyway?

The word "kinky" gets thrown around a lot, but when you think about it, its meaning is pretty unclear. As I mentioned recently, when Cosmo gives a list of kinky sex tips, they're normally suggesting things like "tell your man exactly what you want him to do to you, and where" (which I would consider basic sexual communication). They might suggest you blindfold him or something.

In my own head, "kinky" means nipple clamps and floggers and pinwheels and other tools of BDSM.

I'm pretty sure it can mean plenty of other things. Maybe there are people who wouldn't call something kinky unless it involves a violet wand and a urethral sound. And it doesn't have to involve pain. It could be a kinky for a man to put on his girlfriend's underwear -- It's probably kinky if he puts on his boyfriend's underwear, too.

So when I think about it, kinky starts to mean everything and nothing, which is problematic, since I consider myself kinky.

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines "kinky" as "involving or given to unusual sexual behavior." This definition seems right on, because it pinpoints the problem: the word "unusual."

What's unusual to the average Cosmo reader might not be unusual to me. What's unusual to me might not be unusual to a person in a fluid-bonded poly family. This, I think, explains a lot of the typical arguments about whether something or someone is "actually" kinky (and I find these arguments pretty annoying most of the time).

Kinky is a spectrum word and comes with all the associated confusion. In relation to the word "unusual," it might also mean, "behavior for which someone else might shame you." In the purest form, anyone doing anything beyond m/f missionary within a marriage could claim it, I guess.

But I'd like to say that it means more than that, that there is a realm of sexual behavior that is actually unusual. To clarify this, I'll start by talking about what isn't unusual. I think there are a few things. Pretty much everyone feels pleasure through the genitals, for example. It's not kinky to touch someone there and expect that to be pleasurable.

There are other things that I would expect the vast majority of people to enjoy. For example, talking to your lover(s) about exactly what you want him/her/them to do to you, and where, would result in pleasure for just about everybody, assuming it's possible to get hangups and shame out of the way.

There are activities, on the other hand, that I would not expect everyone to enjoy. I like to get hurt during sex, for example, but I really don't think that has universal appeal. It's a common enough kink, but I don't think that anyone who tried it would necessarily like it.

So I think my real definition of kinky is along those lines -- activities that one could not reasonably expect everyone to enjoy. Things you need to ask your lover about before doing. I don't consider oral sex kinky, and I wouldn't ask before going down -- there's the pleasure to genitals thing again. However, I'd certainly ask before dripping hot candle wax on someone, for example, because I wouldn't expect everyone to enjoy that.

It's not a perfect definition, but I think the key thing is to note that there are two aspects floating around when the word "kinky" gets used. Sometimes people are talking about practices that could be considered weird or unusual by society (I think oral sex was in this category relatively recently). Sometimes they're talking about practice that it wouldn't be reasonable to expect everyone to enjoy (such as pain).

In this light, it makes sense that Cosmo's idea of kinky tends to fall in the first category -- they're trying to appeal to a broad and general readership, so I think they're looking for tips that will give people a thrill and make them feel they're going outside the mainstream, but not tips that would only be pleasurable for a niche group of people.